If I could, I would!
by wiggles247
Summary: A Jac, Jonny, Mo, Sacha story. One shot.


**Had the last line of this in my head from yesterday evening, so have written a story round it. The line also provides a potential answer for the question people seem to be asking a lot – why is Jac so prepared to put up with how Jonny has been treating her? **

**As ever, please review if you have a few moments to spare and also, as ever, I hope you enjoy….**

* * *

_Saturday May 24__th__ 12.34pm_

Jac sat, holding a sleeping Emma, in Side Room 2 on Keller, watching the steady rise and fall of Jonny's chest. She shouldn't be here, Mo had said as much in her usual straight-talking way when, after racing down the stairs because the lift was only at 2, after hearing that he had been brought in on the hospital grape-vine, and telling a startled Jenna and Sylvie, who it was she'd overheard, that they should only page her if something urgent came up, she'd arrived, slightly breathless and with her knee aching from the impact, in A&E and joined her at the entrance of Resus, peering through the windows.

'He wouldn't want you here!' she'd said simply, as she turned back to once again look through the window after glancing to the side to see who had appeared by her side.

'I know,' she had replied just as simply, 'but here I am'.

'What about the ward?' Mo had asked without taking her eyes from the scene unfolding on the other side of the door.

'I told them to page me' she'd answered, before after stealing a glance at Mo and noticing the, to her, unmistakeable blood stains on her top asking fearfully, 'What happened?'

And it turned out that Jonny had idiotically, recklessly… typically, she thought with a small smile in his direction as she gently shifted Emma to a slightly different position, tried to help someone who was in trouble. He and Mo were walking to the car after having dinner, one of the first times, she knew, that he'd been out since Bonnie's death when they'd happened on what Mo described as 'a girl who was old enough to know better' paralytic and surrounded by a group of equally drunk lads. As they'd approached Mo said she'd known 'Jonny's spidey senses' were on full and despite her trying to drag him along and away, he had slowed down and eventually stopped just opposite the scene. 'Are you OK sweetheart?' he'd called over to the girl, which earned them a few backward glances from the lads. And despite her protestations and efforts to keep him with her he had unhooked his arm from Mo's and crossed the road. 'Are you OK sweetheart?' he'd repeated, as he approached the pavement and the group.

'Jonny' Mo called out, and he had looked back at her and said

'It's fine Mo' before stepping on to the pavement and slipping between two of the lads and kneeling beside the girl. 'Hey,' he'd said, gently touching her arm, 'are you alright?'

'She's fine mate,' one of the lads had said, 'you just carry on, we'll look after her' 'Yeah, yeah, that's right.' several of the lads had agreed.

'Do you know her?' Jonny had asked.

'Nah mate but we will do' one of them had said, a comment that was greeted by uproarious laughter from his mates.

'No that's OK' Jonny had replied, glancing over at Mo through the legs of the gang surrounding him and the girl, 'I'm a nurse, so I'll look after her.'

'Course you are mate,' one of the lads said, 'what planet do you think we're from?'

'No,' Jonny had insisted 'I really am a nurse so…'.

'And I said _we'd_ look after her' one of the gang said, as they began to close in.

And Jonny must have, Mo said, suddenly realised the danger he and the girl were in because he'd stood up placing himself between the girl and the ever approaching gang. And in an effort to diffuse the situation he'd said, putting his arms out, 'Look mate, I just want to'.

'You're not my mate' the same voice, who seemed to be the ringleader said, 'isn't that right?' he'd asked the others, 'He's not our mate is he? And actually we don't care what you want do we fellas? So why don't you just take your nursey self off and go back to your friend and leave her to us?' he'd continued, as the gang formed an ever closer circle around Jonny and the girl.

'I'm sorry, I can't do that' Mo had heard Jonny say, as she, now really scared, tried to find her mobile phone in her bag to phone the police.

'Oh you can't can you,' she'd heard the same voice say, as she located it and pulled it out of her bag, 'well maybe this will help you'. And she was already crossing the road as she dialled the number, driven to action by a horrible sense of foreboding, so she was already halfway to him when she saw one of the lads punch Jonny twice in the stomach and saw him double over in response.

'Which service do you require?' the voice on the other end of the phone asked as she heard another of the lads exclaim

'Jesus! What have you done?' Before somebody else said, 'Oh shit, we've got to get out of here!' 'Which service do you require?' the voice repeated, as the lads suddenly turned around and scattered in all directions. 'Erm police,' Mo said shakily as she approached Jonny who was still doubled up, 'ok' the voice said 'I'll transfer you to Avon and Somerset police I just need to check some details, we have your number as 078' 'Oh Jesus,' Mo exclaimed, as Jonny staggered looked up at her and showed her his hands, 'oh Jesus, we need an ambulance' she said, 'he's been stabbed. You need to send an ambulance now'

xxxxxx

And then, Mo said, as she'd knelt by his side using her scarf to try and stem the flow of blood from the two stab wounds in his stomach, and continually talking to him to keep him conscious she had also silently prayed that the ambulance would arrive soon, because she knew that pressure alone wasn't going to stop the bleeding and that she was losing the battle. And when it had and the paramedics, who she vaguely recognised, had taken over she'd sat on the pavement and watched as they worked on her best friend, and had silently prayed that they would keep him alive until they got to the hospital. 'Well, God must have been listening' Jac had said in response, as she once again looked through the window, 'Have they said anything yet?' she'd asked, indicating the staff in the Resus room .

'No, but he's had 4 units of O neg and they've just s got 6 more of cross-matched.'

'And what did you think?' Jac asked. 'How bad was it?'

'Bad!' Mo had answered, before continuing, 'could be his liver, spleen, his bowel – they were both in the right place, and there was so much blood' she said, looking down at her hands and then at her clothes. And then there was a flurry of activity around Jonny and it became clear they were preparing to move him. Mo and Jac both moved away from the door and looked on as he was wheeled off down the corridor.

'What's going on?' Jac asked one of the nurses who followed him out of the door. The nurse looked at her for a moment, as if trying to work out why a doctor from another department was here, lurking around resus, before after a quick glance at Mo he asked,

'Are you relatives?'

'Yes' 'No' Jac and Mo answered simultaneously, which garnered another look from the nurse before he said,

'well I can't tell you much if you're not, but he's just going for a CT so_ we'll_ know more after that. And you really shouldn't be here – I'll show you to the relative's room," he continued, holding his arm out as if to shoo them along, and smiling even in the face of one of Jac's 'Miss Naylor' stares. 'This way' he said, pointing down the corridor and refusing to move until they did.

xxxxxx

Once inside the relative's room Jac suddenly sprang into action – phoning Keller to demand of a startled Kate who was on-call, and on discovering the answer, Ms Lawson and Dr Digby, phoning Ric Griffin, who had recently returned from some sort of emergency leave. 'Jac, it's nearly midnight ' Mo had said, 'you can't phone him!'

'Jonny needs the best' Jac had stated simply 'and a registrar and an F2 do not fit that bill. Ric does!' And so she had called him, wasting no time when he answered 'Ric it's Jac - you need to come in'

And when a little way in to the call Mo had said, 'but Jac, he's only just having a CT – we don't even know what the damage is yet'.

She had replied, after asking Ric to hang on a minute, 'Mo, did it really look to you like something that could wait for surgery till the morning…...well then!' before continuing her conversation with Ric.

'What are you even doing here anyway?' Mo had asked her shortly after she'd finished speaking to Ric, securing a promise that he would be right in as soon as he'd dressed and had a cup of coffee.

'He's Emma's dad' she'd replied, the half-truth slipping easily from her.

'Yeah and he's trying to take Emma from you,' Mo had exclaimed.

'Yes, I do know that!' Jac had retorted pointedly. 'I'm not likely to forget it either, am I?' she asked, that simple statement expressing all her bitterness at the situation she had found herself in. 'But that doesn't mean I'd want Jonny to be taken away from her. I'd hate it if anything happened to him,' she stated simply, a phrase which caused Mo to look at her with a, to her, unfathomable look on her face, which in turn caused her to continue. 'I wouldn't want Emma growing up without a dad – I've been there and it's horrible!' And she was relieved to see understanding dawn on Mo's face, although she thought darkly to herself 'she hasn't really got a clue'.

Shortly after that Jac was paged and had to return to Darwin – Mrs Prentice's kept having brady's and Dr Lowe needed a second opinion. On her return she saw the nurse who had taken them to the relative's room and collaring him asked, 'Has Jonny's CT come back yet?'

'Erm,' he had replied, 'if you're not a relative I'm afraid I can't tell you'.

'He's the father of my daughter' she had argued. 'Yes but if you're not a relative then I,' he had repeated.

'Fine' she had said, approaching the computer that was just behind him, 'I'll check the system myself'.

'Hey' he had objected, 'you can't do that!'

'These aren't fancy dress' she replied, indicating her scrubs. 'I do work here you know – I'm a surgeon on Darwin, Miss Nay…'

'Miss Naylor' a voice said from behind her, Jac turned

'Dr Ashford' she said, after a slight pause shaking his outstretched hand

'What brings you down from the lofty heights of the 6th floor?' he asked.

'A patient,' Jac said, 'a patient that I'm trying, unsuccessfully, to find out the CT results for.'

'No' the nurse said, 'no it's not li'

'Would this patient be Jonathon Maconie by any chance?' Ash interrupted.

'Jonny yes,' Jac unthinkingly corrected him.

'It's OK Lofty I've got this,' Ash said to the nurse before continuing, this time addressing Jac. 'So not actually a CT patient then?'

'No. no' Jac admitted, 'but I still need to know what his CT showed. And if you won't tell me I will just go up to Darwin and look on the system there.'

'Well,' Ash said, 'as far as I know it hasn't been reported yet. We've had five emergency admissions in the last hour and a half, and they've all needed CT's' he said, pre-empting whatever Jac was going to say, 'the radiologist has a backlog but it WILL be done in the next 20 minutes or so. And anyway, you can look at the images if you come with me – I think it's pretty clear what the problems are.'

'Right, thank you' Jac said, suddenly worried by the plural in Ash's previous sentence. 'Well, we ought to get Mo too then,' continuing in answer to the questioning look on Ash's face 'She's in the relative's room' before heading off in that direction. And though it wasn't really the answer he was looking for he followed her.

oooooooooooooooo

Jac heard the door open and briefly turned her attention from Jonny to look at who was coming in. "Sacha," she said puzzled, "You shouldn't be here"

"Neither should you." He replied

"No," she said dismissing his comment "You're meant to have Daniel today – you've got tickets to that show thing this afternoon"

Sacha was momentarily surprised that Jac had recalled this detail from a conversation he had had with her at the start of the week, but then he remembered that she always remembered things he told her about the girls or Daniel. 'Ah well, yes slight change of plan. Oh no. I'm still taking him' Sacha said quickly to appease Jac's wrath at Chrissie. 'Chrissie's having car problems so she's getting a taxi to here – it's halfway between our houses' he explained, 'and it's closer to the theatre for me and Daniel too'

'Oh right, well as long you get to go' Jac said 'I suppose that's OK' But Sacha got the impression that at any other time she'd have had a lot more to say on the subject, and to stop her starting down that line he said moving from the doorway in to the room

"And how is my little cupcake doing?"

"_Emma's_ doing fine," Jac replied, "Vicky brought her in this morning when I finished," she continued remembering how happy she had been to see her daughter and feel the weight of her in her arms that morning. And she remembered walking on to Keller (trailed by Arthur who had like her just finished his shift, and spotting her in reception surrounded by all of Emma's things had asked her if she needed a hand, an offer she gratefully accepted) carrying Emma, defying anyone to try to tell her that it wasn't visiting hours or that babies shouldn't be on the ward. "She's had a little play, and I've changed her once, and then we had a little walk up and down the back stairs because she was getting a bit crotchety and she's not long gone to sleep after a bottle" she finished.

"That's what you should be doing." Sacha said.

"What drinking?" Jac asked, looking up at him

"No" he said smiling at her deliberate misunderstanding. "Sleeping - Jac you've just come off a 12 hour night shift and, if the nanny was there last night then she won't have been there yesterday so I'm presuming you didn't get much sleep then either."

"I got a bit" Jac said, and seeing the disbelieving expression on Sacha's face continued "I slept when Emma had her naps. And anyway, Mo had to go home because she's working the late shift today and Jonny's sister is on her way but she'll be hours yet – she's coming from Dunfermline." She explained, remembering the conversations she and Mo had had about contacting Jonny's family. They had both agreed that they shouldn't contact his Nan and that because of the time it wouldn't be fair to try either of his sisters who had children, so Isla was the only choice, but when Mo had called her there was no answer. Then when she did phone back at 3.30am when Jonny was in surgery, being operated on by Ric, and Jac had once again been called back to Darwin, it turned out that not only had she been drinking which meant she would have to get the train down in the morning rather than driving down, but also that, rather than in being in Carlisle she was actually visiting Fiona and her family in Dunfermline. "So there's nobody else really who can be here, not yet anyway," she concluded.

"But Jac," Sacha said, " given everything that's gone on between the two of you recently do you really think that you're the best per.."

"Sacha," Jac interrupted, "in Jonny's eyes I _know_ I'm the _worst_ person who could be here" Thinking, but not saying, that she was actually counting on this – hoping that the bad feelings she knew Jonny harboured for her would encourage him to wake up to tell her to get out. "But," she continued, brushing Emma's face lightly with her fingers "where else would we, where else would I be?"

"Anywhere!" Sacha said, "at home, sleeping, now Emma is. I really don't think it's a good idea for you to be here. I mean what happens when he wakes up. You must know how he'll be with you, and I don't want you upset. Not again," he concluded, reaching down to hold her hand "it's just not good for you! Jac, sweetheart, _he's_ no good for you, not at the moment!"

"I know that" Jac said, "I do!" returning the pressure he was applying to her hand, and looking directly up at him which caused him to bend down and plant a gentle kiss on her forehead. "But Sacha," she continued, as he straightened up, and she directed her gaze back towards Jonny, "do you not think… has it never occurred to anyone that, if I _could_ stop loving him, I_ would_ have done by now?"


End file.
